I haven’t posted here in years, and I’ve deleted so much. My original plan was to discuss where I disappeared to, what I’ve been dealing with, and what I’m doing now to keep myself going. There’s a draft post tucked away in a neat little corner somewhere, and I could never quite decide whether or not to release it after spending so much time on it. It’s New Years Eve now, and my final decision is to not post it. Instead, I’ll give a very short overview of what’s been up. And then I’ll celebrate some amazing people I’ve met throughout it all. I don’t think I have to share all the details of my private struggles online — I don’t need external validation, as I know where things are at quite clearly. I would like instead to highlight something positive, give out some good vibes, and explain myself a bit, before truly heading off into 2023.
I’m writing this entirely on the spot and with no real amount of editing. It’s messy and from the heart. I’m putting a disclaimer here that though I will shout some people out, someone’s lack of mention doesn’t indicate I view them as less important or somehow terrible — I just don’t want this to be extremely lengthy, and I haven’t had the time to really properly do this. I’m also going to avoid bringing up my closest friends, because it’s kind of a given I’ll be talking about them a lot everywhere. This isn’t the only time I’ll shout people out, anyway. I would like to do something like this every now and then in some capacity. Not because I think I have reach (as of writing I do not), but because I just want to show my support.
So, while I love reading and writing, the majority of what I’ve gotten done this year is streaming related. I’ve met a lot of people, and it’s all been through streaming. I don’t have a whole lot of time, so I think it’s only appropriate I focus on the streaming side of 2022 for this specific post. So let’s get into it. I’d like to talk about myself just a little, and how I present now. At least, as much as I can without pushing the limit of what I think is acceptable for strangers to know.
A Very Truncated Story
One of the things I started trying out during the height of the pandemic, as most people know, was Twitch streaming. This isn’t an unusual story — many people got into this as something to do during a time in which going outdoors or going to work wasn’t an option. Some friends and I had the idea to try making a stream group for fun, and to see where it could go. I never started it with the expectation of making serious money, if at all. I was aware from the very beginning that luck was a big factor in it. People would constantly comment on my enthusiasm for speedrunning (at the time), alongside my social connections. But I knew none of that mattered. It’s something I’ve addressed in the past, but I don’t think my skill with video games or the people I know instantly correlate to ‘success’ (and it hasn’t!). I don’t like to view people in my life, nor my abilities, as part of a numbers game. It’s not a point of view I’m comfortable taking. I just do things and sometimes I meet someone.
What I really valued was getting to exercise something I was good at to create a space in which all my friends could just chill out and have fun, away from all the stressors of life. I was the only person who was distinctly into video game history as well, so part of it involved getting to talk about the subject and show off retro games to friends who were interested in learning what I knew. Somewhere along the line though, things changed. It’s not something I want to talk about in heavy detail, but by the time my lips started flapping and I actually acquired my VTuber model, it was more often than not just me on a date with a wall. A part of this is because the situation with the pandemic changed, but it wasn’t the only factor.
Things were going poor both offline and online, and I was receiving constant unwanted attention from a concerning individual. Put short, too many life-changing events were happening, and I needed to get away from someone. I became ‘Kiyo’ and made new, healthier spaces for myself. Recognising 2022 wasn’t going to be easy, I tapped into the part of myself that loves me, wants me to survive, and just do healthy things for my well-being and safety. That’s who ‘Kiyo’ is, and what she represents — the fact that a Final Fantasy XIV form of her happens to exist is just incidental. My dearest friend made a model for me based on that, so that’s why you perceive me as an Au Ra. But it means so much more to me than you can know. I don’t think of her as a VTuber character at all. She’s another part of me that’s getting to breathe.
I rebooted my social media and left a notice of where I went in case people were interested. Not many came along for the ride. Whether that was because they didn’t see it, or weren’t interested in me as an individual, I didn’t care. I was quite comfortable with that. I shifted gears into posting about things I enjoyed or found neat more frequently, rather than worrying about undesirable interactions or creepy behaviour from certain strangers. I made liberal use of the mute button, altered my notification settings, and used plugins that disabled algorithmic content. If I felt my feed was getting a little too spicy about something that made me happy, I’d stop posting about it for my own comfort but not allow that to influence my own interest. My ideal was to not contribute to or be impacted by social media brainrot while logged in, and not have to worry about it while logged out. And you know? It really worked.
I didn’t want to be tied down by expectations and associations, and I felt the need to be a bit less reserved. People were gradually getting angrier, less forgiving, more willing to get involved in mockery and abuse, and finding various ways to justify it. Relationships were falling apart rather than being strengthened, and sometimes things felt artificial on account of ‘numbers’. I don’t want to be part of any of that. It’s not the kind of environment I need.
A Chance To Grow And Let Others Vibe
I never streamed on Twitch in the past with my voice, and I didn’t even have a PNG — not really. What I did have was a JPG image that changed to reflect my current mood, and it was always a joke picture. You’d think this didn’t do well, but overall I had a nice time with whoever popped in. It was after working up the courage to speak and use my model that I had the opposite experience. People came in less, I received more awkward and rude interactions, and my follower count began to drop. Having a good idea of why was depressing, but overall, I was fine with this too. I knew that if new people were to tag along in the future, it would be a crowd I felt more comfortable being around — people like me. This has ultimately turned out true.
That was the goal when I was originally doing it for friends, right? I just wanted to feel good around like-minded people, and give them a space in which they would hopefully be able to vibe out. But the situation was different. I was now using my headset to talk, with a voice much deeper than I would like. I have been informed numerous times I have a ‘radio voice’ too, but I can tell you from personal experience that it can fall apart. I’m good at putting on a show when necessary, but in close company, I stutter and piece things together more slowly. Why?
Because I don’t have to pretend.
My confidence speaking in a more casual context is something I want to address. When I stream now, I’m usually not amongst close company, but there’s a sort of relaxed vibe that’s similar enough I can use it as an opportunity for myself to grow and explore how I talk. I was also getting sick of feeling like I had to hold back how I sounded in voice environments on account of being trans. Where better to stop holding back than under my own space? What are people going to do then? Does it matter? I’m the one in control because it’s my space, right?
It’s nearly 11PM. There’s more I could say about all this, but my brain is fried and I don’t want to risk oversharing. In private company, I’d be happy to talk about it more. But that’s that for now. In the future I would instead like to write about something else. Like a game known for having the potential to completely wipe your C drive. Goodbye, Microsoft Windows…
Thanks for being you!
Enough about me. I’m going to talk instead now about some neat people I’ve met over the past few years, who possess some great auras and remind me the world can be good, actually.
My friend dot_lvl is one of those people that gave me motivation to continue streaming. There’s this good energy you get from seeing someone else you can identify with excelling at the things you want to improve upon. I’m not actually much of a Twitch viewer myself, let alone very chatty — I don’t have the time to watch streams, and if I do, the people I care about aren’t around my timezone. I’m more of a VoD person, which is more or less how I found her. She has a wealth of experience with retro games that I don’t, and I hope to someday be as familiar with it all as she is. In the meantime, it’s great to see her play things I adore, or learn about new titles I’d never have discovered otherwise.
I ran into GToTheNextLevel on Twitch as well! I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, but when you lock eyes on another SEGA enjoyer and you can identify common ground with them, you gotta stick out for each other. G has exceptionally kind and thoughtful energy, and their streams are nice and cosy. It’s the sort of atmosphere I wish I could have experienced offline when I was younger. But we’re all older now, and also rightfully shameless about what we love and wish to explore! I think he also quite enjoys Splatoon. Personally, the games make me feel a little sick (something to do with the colours, movement, and art direction), so I can’t play them for too long… but I know some of you can!
HeavyViper makes some extremely good tunes. I think this is a case where hearing is better than reading. I heavily encourage you all check out his site to see what he’s all about. My recommendation? Check out that Bandcamp. I think I may have paid for just about everything on his page, and everything I’ve heard so far is just absolutely stellar. He calls himself a ‘FM+PSG evangelist’, and you can really identify that. I for one will never complain about hearing music that takes me back to the good ol’ days of playing 8-bit and 16-bit SEGA games, though that’s not all there is to hear from him. I personally think the most fascinating thing is the viperdaily2020 project, during which he composed one track a day. It feels like a reflection of someone’s mind at each moment throughout the year, and there’s something special about that.
Then there’s dax_exe, who I don’t entirely remember how I met. He’s an incredible person and pleasure to speak with, and he also happens to work at a video game history museum! To someone extremely passionate about the subject, it’s the coolest thing. What I really like about him however is his passion for things and how he puts it on display. It’s always a joy to see him tweet out his cool new finds, and the amount of time and energy he puts into doing his projects. It’s the kind of drive I’d like to have. I know that not every day is perfect, and we aren’t always at our 100% — but seeing someone with a shared interest radiate such good energy rubs off on you in a good way.
Another person, and someone I befriended rather recently, is HarishMoment. I don’t really know what to say other than that her positive energy is incredibly infectious and it’s very easy to get swallowed up in the good moment with her. She apparently has quite a number of followers and people have seen her around a fair bit in relation to FFXIV. I’d never once heard of her. One day I decided to check out my recommended section on Twitch, which I never do, and she was watching The Game Awards. I desperately wanted to understand why everyone was talking about Bill Clinton lately. We ended up getting to know each other a little and met each other in-game, and hit it off very quickly. We apparently have a mutual friend too. It’s a surprisingly small world! She has exceptional skill at finding things to talk about while watching paint dry for 15 hours. Genuinely, this is no joke, and I’m sure it was hard, but I hope to have that kind of skill with improv someday. Minus the paint drying.
And to cap things off, I’d like to shill Siwon Kim‘s novel, ‘Argent: A Contemporary Lesbian Romance‘. I discovered they were working on something cool and I had no idea! I’m a writer at heart, but it was something I unfortunately fell out of because of numerous real life circumstances. It’s something I’m hoping to change in 2023, at least with regards to taking up blogging again. This post is a bit of a start to that, and seeing Siwon manage to put out an entire original story of their own was incredibly inspiring. The book is about a young woman, an ‘offshoot of human evolution’ who has to hide her nature as she finds herself having to interact with people a whole lot more. Unfortunately for her, some incidents occur that make this somewhat of a task, alongside an encounter with another young lady who may be as out-of-place as her… in her own special way. I’d love to talk about this in more detail someday, but I don’t have the time right now. But if you want a fun read, I won’t say no to showing someone I know some support for their hard work. There’s some cute keysmashing involved!
Okay! I’m out of time! Thanks for sticking around, genuinely. Until next year.
